Last month, Representative George Santos was told by the U.S. House to sashay away. And our beautifully fragile system of democracy was tinged with fascism. I mean–the swamp people of Washington get to eliminate George? What is this–Survivor? I grew up in the great Long Island (private) school system being taught that our government was by the people, with the people.
And yet, when they came for his neck, I–a member of New York’s Third District could not make a case for my beloved Congressman whom I voted into the House. I mean–to be honest, I didn’t technically vote for George because my nail technician, Mila, fucked up my pinky cuticle and I ran out of my time to get to the polls but I would’ve if I could’ve!
George, (or should I say, the drag artist formerly known as Kitara Revache), what am I gonna do without your racial ambiguity and your pussy pink ascots?!
I mean George was my representative, yes. But really, he was more than that. He represented who I wanted to be. I come from a long line of Long Islanders, and no I’m not talking about the long line to board the jitney to East Hampton on Memorial Day! Ha!
My Grandfather immigrated to Long Island from Brooklyn, all the way back in the year of our lord, 1992. My father and he operated a small, humble real estate business. They worked hard to buy homes out from under the disenfranchised, flip them in six months, and jack up the price 100% once back on the market.
I am proud of my Massapequan heritage (though we moved to Oyster Bay Cove ten years ago.) And as my father’s daughter, I plan to continue the legacy of my Grandfather’s real estate business.
So, I understand George’s plight to continue his Mother’s legacy. She died on 9/11, isn’t that so sad? 9/11/2015, but still.
Like George, I understand what it’s like to be incompetent in the workplace. At least, that’s what my Father’s business partner, Jeannie Smothers, calls me. Incompetent. I mean, I work as her secretary 3 days a week, and sure, I mess up the numbers on the house appraisals sometimes, but what gives!? Jeannie is to me what the liberal media is to George, breathing down my neck and exposing my lies! Ok, Jeannie! I wasn’t going to the Doctor’s last week, I met up with Joey Varschuttio in the bedroom of Property #12 at 458 St. Riviera Drive! I didn’t know you’d installed a Ring Camera and could see him and I macking on the front porch. Get a life, Jeannie!
And I too can be careless with money. “Oh, George Santos spent campaign funds on cosmetics, designer bags, and Botox.” Well, where do I sign up for the next Congressional race?! Baby needs a refresh on lip filler! If shopping is a felony, lock me up! Hermes, the MedSpa, OnlyFans, I do essentially the same charges on Daddy’s Amex every weekend! Though, the OnlyFans I subscribe to is Lauren Boeberts’ fundraiser, “Public Handsy for Take Back The Steal!”
Am I a bad person? No! And neither is the late Representative Santos. I mean–former, former Representative Santos.
I was raised in the Sarah Palin generation, which is to say–if you’re an unfeeling, deranged Republican, you might as well look good while doing it. I mean her French Twist? Those sexy-librarian glasses? Her fiscal conservatism? Ugh! Put her on the cover of Town and Country! (Or as we call it, Vogue Long Island.)
What happened to the marriage of Fashion and Politics? Have we learned nothing from Elle Woods? Mitch McConnel is a walking corpse who needs touch-up concealer.
Marjorie Taylor Greene dresses like she’s on her way to a funeral for an American Flag but stopped at the salon to get the green chlorine tint dyed out of her hair.
Our only fashion icon was George, and he ran that House floor like it was a RuPaul Runway. Category is, “Closeted Theatre Teacher at a Catholic School.”
You know, I have to say. I love that Representative Girliana Slaytos is a gay! I really love that he’s done drag. I mean, my allyship stops at the bottom of the pitcher of mimosas at Drag Brunch, but I believe in gay rights! Gays should be allowed to vote! None of that other queer shit though. All other cross-dressings should be left to Broadway. Have you seen that show, Some Like It Hot? It’s so transphobic, you should definitely spend $200 to see it! Go ahead, compromise your morals a little!
I mean, Representative Santos was just like me for real, for real. But instead of lying about his life to prying Uber drivers, he did so on the campaign trail! And on the House floor! (Ok, but lying to your Uber driver that he’s dropping you off at The Ritz for a hoity-toity dinner date is a powerful mode of manifestation if you think about it. In actuality, I was headed to the Central Park horse carriage depot. I owed a driver $600 for when he took me back to Long Island after I got blitzed in Midtown and forgot how to get on the LIRR.)
While we’re so similar, I’m nowhere as ambitious as George. He’s not only a successful financier, and drag queen, but also a seasoned performer! He made cameos on Hannah Montana, Suite Life on Deck, and America’s Got Talent! (Two Truths and a Lie, which two do you think Santos claimed to have been a part of?!)
Answer: Santos has claimed that under the name “Anthony Devolder,” he appeared on popular early 2000s programs, Hannah Montana and Suite Life on Deck! But don’t be surprised if you see him on AGT in the coming year, performing as a magician. He’ll make the American Dream appear out of thin air!
TBH…Santos 2024. HEAR ME OUT. He runs on the Republican bill, outsing Trump. I like Trump enough, but I’m tired of my socialist Aunt Sharon bringing him up at Christmas. She’s ruining the Feast of Seven Fishes by talking about collusion this, insurrection that!
And let me clarify, I’m not some right-wing jabroni. I voted for Hillary. In People’s Choice Awards Best Pant Suit 2019, Women Over 50 category.
Like, I think student loan debt should be canceled. Mostly cause I don’t know how to log on to Sallie Mae’s online portal to pay back my loans for SUNY Purchase. But, still, George Santos understands the debilitating effects of college loan debt. He was a volleyball star at Baruch College, a school with a hefty annual tuition of $7,500 and no volleyball team! He must’ve funded that team all by himself. Do you know how much volleyball court time at Chelsea Piers costs?! How would an employee of Goldman Sachs be able to pay that back?!
I also believe in Justice Reform. I thought it was wrong, back in 2009 when Limited Too bought out Justice! Their bright pink skinny pants were never the same again.
I think future President Santos would agree. Sure, he ran on a “Back The Blue,” stance during his campaign but I’m sure that’s only because he mistook the cop from the Village People as a real, badge-toting, gun-wielding officer. I’m sure once we explained the prison industrial complex, he’d be on our side! After all, he’s going to be in prison himself very soon and he definitely has a complex. More than one!
Santos has claimed so many identities and tragedies as his own, he might as well be my high school girlfriend, Brittani white girl wasted at the Long Beach Bar, claiming “No–like a foxxx is my spirit animals–it came to me in a dreamsorwhatevaa.”
Just like Brittani, Santos finds a way to appropriate cultures and religions that are not his own for his benefit. In his case, the benefit was the vote of the people of New York’s 3rd district. In Brittani’s case, Tanner from high school might finally think her sophisticated enough to make out with in the back of his Kia Sol over Thanksgiving vacation.
In all honesty, it’s not funny. Don’t you see the hypocrisy here? George Santos was outed from Congress for being a power-hungry, corrupted pollution, with sticky fingers, and a proclivity for lying. Sound familiar? It’s a description fit for every politician!
This con artist held a position of power in our government. Confirming a suspicion many have long held since November 8th, 2016. Our governing bodies, our system of checks and balances, our legislative representatives, the presidency, it’s all a joke. A big joke!
A joke worthy of Jackass. And you know what would be so funny? To pull a good ‘ole Dax Shepard punk’d on our politicians?
Let’s burn the Constitution! Disband the Electoral College! Break from the two-party system! I want the Senate Sex-Tape Twink to be elected as Mayor of New York City! I’d like to see Ron DeSantis cage-fight Kevin McCarthy! I want a 24-hour televised, civil war battle held on the steps of Congress. If it’s a circus, I want George Santos to be the ringmaster. Dance, Monkeys, Dance. Represent Me.
