Cancellation Island

We are a month into the New Year and the only in/out list that matters is the Jeffrey Epstein client list. On January 3rd, many waited with bated breath to learn which household names took part in Epstein’s atrocities. 

This list is white men in power’s version of my eighth-grade classes’ “Hot or Not,” list,. I mean you don’t want to be on the list, but if you’re not, that means you didn’t get invited to all the cool parties where people kissed each other. But instead of playing seven minutes in heaven with Caleb from Chemistry, these men were raping underage girls. 

This list has caused such a stir that footballer, and famous conspiracy theorist, Aaron Rodgers felt he had to weigh in on the Pat McAfee Show. "There’s a lot of people, including Jimmy Kimmel, really hoping that doesn’t come out," said Rodgers. "I’ll tell you what, if that list comes out, I definitely will be popping some sort of bottle." Of course, Kimmell responded via Twitter, threatening to sick his lawyers on Rodgers for the insinuation. 

But the idea rattles in my mind… the list is public, I’ve perused it, and it is said to reveal all 150 names, save for three John Does.

 I imagined a list of dozens of names of real estate tycoons, and financiers, whose involvement in sex crimes comes as no surprise to the laymen. I logged on to courtdocumentspublic.org and expected to be presented with a BuzzFeed listicle of a who’s-who of the pedophiliac world! Complete with a quiz, which perv are YOU!? I, of course, got Stephen Hawking because I value knowledge. God, I’m such a Ravenclaw!

But before the site could crash, (it did so within 3 minutes of the document's release,) I was gravely disappointed to see it was a full-ass court document, spanning well over 100 pages, in Q and A format. They didn’t even do us the favor of bolding the names of guests on Epstein’s island for an easy “Where’s Waldo?” situation. Or in this case, “Where’s Clinton?”

So, I–like the rest of you waited for the thankless task of reading the document in its entirety to be read, digested, and reported on by journalists, and now will bring up heinous sex crimes up in casual conversation like the college degree having, NPR listening, snowflake liberal that I am! 

But I, and I assume Aaron Rodgers, was disappointed by the names that have since appeared in the days following. Save for six A-Lister names, the rest could’ve been John Doe’s to me. The six sinners are: 

1. Bruce Willis - I’m too young and too hot to know who he is. Ok-I googled, he stars in boy movies. Gross. 

2. Cameron Diaz - I always confuse her with Kate Hudson, and I always confuse Kate Hudson with Kate Upton. But I think I’ve got it straight now. Kate Hudson: slay leggings, a national treasure. Kate Upton: Used to be Hot in Magazines, now Hot on Instagram. Cameron Diaz - Affiliates with pedophiles! 

3. Kevin Spacey - duh. 

4. Leonardo DiCaprio - Oh, his age limit thing goes under 25 too? I’ll let my 15-year-old niece know, she has a shot with Jack from the Titanic! 

5. Naomi Cambell - Her legs were too long, they walked her right into ethically murky waters. 

6. Cate Blanchett - Lydia Tár!? It was method acting, y’all! She was researching for her role. She’s a genius, give her all the awards. 

And really, Twitter has not been alight as I had hoped it would be. I don’t know if it’s the quality of the 150 names, (over a dozen names were doctors for Virginia Giuffre, an outspoken victim of Epstien’s, so…no jokes to be had there,) or if it’s because the subject is a no-no zone, (not for me, I brave being problematic for comedic purposes in hopes of making a larger point!) but there’s been very few ha-ha’s to be had on my favorite site for debaucherous comedy. Well, there are some atrocious Stephen Hawking-related memes, that due to their ableist themes, I will not be re-sharing. (See, I have limits! You can trust me :)) 

I guess when thinking of Aaron Rodger’s insinuation, and Kimmel’s knee-jerk reaction. I guess I’d hope, there’d be a more comedic influence to the names on the list. I mean, isn’t it a little fun to think about, like karmically? Wouldn’t it have been rich if someone like Joe Rogan or Dave Chapelle had been on the list?

It would be oh, so, satisfying if Epstein’s island were a cancellation utopia, anyone who had ever visited it, or could even be imagined visiting it, would be sent to the edges of society, never to appear on a right-leaning comedy podcast, or Piers Morgan Instagram live again. 

What if Louis C.K. or Bill Maher could actually be eradicated from the culture? Instead of being simply shunned by the NYTimes reading, NPR brainiacs, and embraced by Fox News “freedom of speech protects my rights to say slurs,” right-wing nutjobs. 

And I’ll admit, there’s SOME comedy to the names…The King of Pop was mentioned as to have visited the island, but was accused of no wrongdoing…listennnnnn that’s crazyyyyy. That man didn’t do ANYTHING?! Love that for MJ, rest easy, king. 

Really though, I’d have been tickled to see Seinfeld’s name on the flight logs. We already know he’s got a questionable age limit! (Good ‘ole Jerry famously dated a seventeen-year-old, Shoshanna Lonstein, picking her up from 4th period, at his big age of 38! 38!) 

Ok–maybe you love Jerry or Louis and I lost your support. But hear me out–what if we could send that asshole from your Friday night Open Mic to the island? His name, not in the bucket for the 3-minute time slot to make more stunningly offensive rape jokes, but rather his name on the registered list of sex offenders! Send that bitch to Epstein’s island. Let the rabid seagull population pick out his guts like an unfunny Prometheus! 

So many celebrities, hell so many people have been canceled for minuscule mistakes: from TikTok creator, Keara Sullivan @superkeara, being labeled as an ableist for saying “If you have a FunkoPop displayed in your home, I can’t see you as a voice of authority,” down to this past weekend’s attempt to cancel Ayo Edibri before her hosting SNL, for her past comments claiming her musical guest, J Lo’s career was a “scam.” 

I guess– hahahhahaha–what I’m advocating for–really, is that we hold celebrities accountable for their shitty behavior. Instead, we cancel one another, and random TikTokers for off-color takes, and allow actual predators to be our presidents. 

Donald Trump to run for president yet again, even though he’s a criminal in multiple rights. 

Shane Gillis, a comedian fired from SNL in 2019 for prior anti-Asian tweets, is set to host the show next weekend. 

Travis Scott plays the Grammys, never once having apologized or acknowledged the people killed at his concert under his watch. 

No. Men, powerful men, rich men, get away with anything. Enough money stuffed in their coffers to sweep any sins under the rug. 

You don’t have to be rich or powerful though, just be a man. Men in your life, Matt from your Improv class or Scott from your graduating class, slurring racial epithets (jokes), getting handsy with you at the bar (misread signals), hurting people over and over. When held accountable, play the puppy-eyed victim card–

“I’m going through a breakup!” 

“I was joking!”

“My mom’s an alcoholic!” 

“I’m just a bad guy–I’m trying to get better, I’m going to therapy.” 

And we forgive them. We forgive them out of the kindness of our hearts, and the desire to forget the traumas we’ve experienced at their hands. We forgive them because we’ve been told to. 

I’m not doing it anymore. Every John Doe that has hurt me, or hurt a friend, or is just in general, a shitty good-for-nothing piece of trash has a one-way ticket to an Epstein cancellation island in my mind. 

I see your heart, and I hope it’s pecked out piece by piece by man-eating seagulls.