We all hated Jennifer Lawrence at one point, right? Not me, of course. But that, culturally, was a thing that happened. It was in the vein of canceling Anne Hathaway because she was “too perfect.”
We chose to despise Ms. Lawrence for her attempts at relatability, or what we interpreted as PR-team calculated stunts to make Lawrence seem “not like other girls.”
Acting as though she were anti-celebrity, Lawrence was known for her clumsy behavior, her ever-present appetite, and her proclivity towards embarrassing honesty. She made ugly faces! She was uncomfortable in that Chanel gown! She’s not like other movie stars, she’s just like you–with an Oscar. And millions of dollars. And a glam team. Ok, but chicken wings!? Nom Nom NOM!
Does she have something in her teeth? Check! CHECK! Eeee, no? Good, cause she ate corn earlier. In a salad no? Just straight corn. Out of bowl. She was sitting in sweat-soaked pajamas, watching Vanderpump Rules, and stewing in her own personal filth. Just like you! Just LIKE YEWWWWwww!
But yes, she is thrilled to be blue-ass-butt-naked in X-MEN VII Death of Phoenix, Arizona, or whatever this movie is called. It’s her fifth red carpet this month! Ah–yes, she’s wearing Louis couture. Ooops–she just shat herself! Hahahah! The Louis is now pooey! By the way, she sucks at kissing–all of the Hemsworths said so. Just like YOOooooou, soudljaboytellem!
The days of those cringe-worthy millennialisms are over! Fuck THAT BITCH, right? A celebrity who maybe passively desires the approval of the young women who idolize her?! Who would want that?!
I mean that Jennifer Lawrence was so ugh!ick!ew! She just blech!yuck!pukepukepuke!
I mean, the public only turns on you for good reason right? Like–Rebecca Black? Or Call Me Maybe Carly Rae Jepsen? Or you know, literally any woman within the realm of celebrity! We hate them for good reason! Rebecca Black? Annoying! Carly Rae! Um–also, annoying! Women are annoying, and we should be brave enough to say it.
But not to fear, this woman might just be tolerable.
Introducing: Jennifer Lawrence 2.0! She still eats pizza, but doesn’t mention it constantly in red-carpet interviews! Now she comes in blonde. Now she wears neutrals! She might’ve gotten lip filler. It looks so good!
Now she goes on Hot Ones and eats chicken wings, but like in a non-cringey way! She has a kid! She looked especially butch at NYC Pride and that was so cunt of her! Cunt as a compliment! AHHAH!
Slay the day away, Ms. Jennifer!
But what really changed during Ms. Lawrence’s (barely perceptible) step away from fame?
Ms. Lawrence has had a film come out every year since 2012, save for 2020, for obvious reasons. She did take a brief hiatus from 2019 to 2021, but really, Twitter just stopped stanning J-Law. She was always on our screens, but she was banished from our hearts!
Now, she returns triumphantly–the internet’s darling! Already her moment of adoration is memorialized in meme form:
But, as previously cited, we’ve seen this sort of reputation resurrection before–in the way of Anne Hathaway. After years of quiet solitude, she re-entered the Hollywood fold, by uh–well…she uh, she was in the Ocean 11 reboot? Rihanna said she had a nice ass. That was sort of endearing. Then uh–ok Valentino show? She wore that pink number…cute, very cute. She’s the poster girl for Versace at the moment. I mean, she does have a few projects in the works–Eileen, the adaptation of Otessa Moshfegh’s novel of the same name, is set to release later this year. As is, a rom-com project, called She Came To Me. Oh–and she and Michaela Coel are doing something? About a pop star and a stylist’s obsessive relationship.
This begs the question though…by the time of that project's release, will the murmurs of Princess Diaries 3 have subsided? Will the adorable video of Ms. Hathaway drunkenly dancing to Abba have been scrubbed from our timelines? As a result, will we condemn her to the prison of online hatred, for the crime of having nice teeth and an affable personality?
And what of J-Law!? Will too many carpet events for No Hard Feelings remind the public of her eager attempts to assimilate?
Or have we trained our celebrities to walk a thin line between relatable and unattainable? Muzzled designer dogs, led by the leash of the public’s ever-changing opinion.
Maybe they’ll remain perfectly poised, just available enough–but never too accessible. Remaining internet it girls for all of eternity.
Maybe, just, maybe–the two are well-adjusted adult women, with children and husbands. Maybe they have a book club amongst like-minded, grounded human adults. Maybe going to set, or fashion weeks, or having mics hoisted to their faces is just part of the job. Maybe they have a sane relationship with their iPhone’s screen time. Maybe the idea of a 23-year-old voicing concern over their public favor is a laughable concept to them.
But to me, my journalistic integrity is on the line! This is my livelihood, Anne! Jennifer!
Anyway, I adore them both and always have. I’ve actually never hated a woman before in my life–ever. I support women’s rights, but I also support women’s wrongs.
Well, Coleen Ballinger… what is going on there girlie pop?! Put the Ukulele down!
