John Mulaney, Ned Fulmer, and Kermit the Frog
John Mulaney’s most recent special, “Baby J,” or as it was called when it was filmed at Boston Symphony Hall, “From Scratch,” was made available for streaming on April 25th.
I was spending some time at my mother’s house and watched the special as I cleaned out my closet, tossing childhood relics aside, and treasuring certain baby photos. I suspected the special to detail his recent stint in rehab, possibly the divorce, but mostly I had believed the special would be material based on his childhood. “From Scratch?” “Baby J?” The promotional art for his tour had included a boyhood school photo as his headshot.
Instead, we viewers were met with an hour and twenty minutes of almost exclusively rehab/intervention/drug addiction-related material. It was funny. It was insightful. It was a good special. But, it felt…lacking.
Like something was missing. An entire side to the story.
I was first introduced to John Mulaney when I was sixteen. After a morning at the beach, we were in my friend Kartherine’s living room; With sandy hair, and still-moist bathing suits, we sat on her carpeted floor, rubbing her panting dog’s belly, she cued his Comeback Kid special.
He didn’t make me laugh out loud, most at-home comedy specials don’t, but he had my full attention, a hard thing to grasp from a sixteen-year-old.
He was spry, and I appreciated his crisp, navy, three-piece suit. No men dressed like that anymore, and just this drew me to develop a celebrity crush on him. I stayed up late that night, watching New In Town, the pilot for Mulaney, and any cameo he’d made on Comedy Central and Saturday Night Live.
He was the religiously traumatized, Irish-American comedian of my dreams. But I was sixteen! I had nothing better to do than obsess over celebrities and assign morality to them without knowing who they were as a person!
I learned he was married and fawned over his and Anna Marie Tendler’s charming Catskill ceremony. Their beloved Frenchie, Petunia, present. Dan Levy, (no, not that Dan Levy,) officiated.
In his following specials he divulged their shared attitude towards child-rearing, (they weren’t going to rear any,) and boasted about his wife’s talents, directness, and beauty.
He became a comfort watch and an inspiration to me. He was safe. He was a good guy.
Amongst friends, when the subject of John Mulaney would arise, typically in Denny’s parking lots after a resounding opening night of a high school theatre production, I was pleased to find my peers were fans as well. It was unoften we all agreed on a celebrity and shared a love for not only their work but for their existence.
Ultimately, it turned out that some had a closer relationship with Mulaney than I. Or at least, they imagined they had a closer relationship with Mulaney than they held in reality.
I will describe those inflicted as Parasocial Bitches.
Parasocial Bitches, n. A person who, through being chronically online, has developed a relationship with a person who doesn’t know they exist.
In December 2020, when it broke he’d been admitted into a 60-day Rehabilitation facility, there was an outpouring of love and support, particularly from Twitter. I re-downloaded the cursed app just to witness others convene to agree on a topic (a rare occurrence for Twitter.)
The shared sentiment was along the lines of:
‘Let’s hope John Mulaney gets the help he needs. Addiction is a serious, deadly issue. Wishing him the best.’
And ultimately, in the replies to tweets of that nature, came those who were concerned on a deeper level. A nearly molecular level of worry.
I will not direct quote those suffering from parasocial-ism but the tweets ranged from:
‘Wow, I hope he’s ok. I wonder how his wife feels?’
To:
‘Anna must be devastated. She deleted her Twitter I’m sure in light of this news. I hope she and John are ok. Maybe the rehab center allows conjugal visits? That way John could see Petunia, too! Not for conjugal reasons, obvi. Ugh–I’m wrecked.’
It is true that on December 17th, a day before Mulaney’s intervention, Tendler had deactivated her Instagram, thusly unfollowing Mulaney.
Fans noticed this immediately, the day of. When the news broke of Mulaney’s admittance into rehab on December 21st, 2020, many were quick to speculate as to the motivations behind Tendler’s disappearance from Instagram.
Many hoped via Twitter, that it might’ve been a tactical move, to remove herself from the narrative. To keep prying eyes away from her private life. Some fans lauded her attempt to keep her private life, but many admonished her for her seeming callousness, noting that she had not made a statement of public support for Mulaney as so many celebrities had.
Quiet breakup rumors of the two started to float around in October 2020, however, for a casual fan, that never crossed my timeline. I did, privately hope the two hadn’t split when I saw the rehab news, mostly because I too had fallen prey to the “he’s a good one,” narrative. After so many disappointments, (basically every male comedian you know is a creep,) I’d had hoped Mulaney was to be spared from public scrutiny. He was just too clean.
He was, as many critics lamented in their reviews of “Baby J,” a boyish wonder. A baby-faced, childlike, little goochie goo 40-year-old man.
He could never ever, do something as morally abhorrent as getting addicted to drugs and divorcing his universally adored, quietly mysterious wife.
The divorce of Anna Marie Tendler and John Mulaney was filed sometime in July of 2021. Six months after he left rehab. Mulaney’s team made no comment regarding the filing, but Tendler is quoted as having told People Magazine, “I am heartbroken that John has decided to end our marriage. I wish him support and success as he continues his recovery.”
I will admit when the divorce was ultimately announced, I felt a pang of disappointment. Not as intensely as other celebrity breakups have hurt, (Taylor Swift and Joe Alwyn left me teary-eyed, but ultimately, I am #teamMaylor. #teamTatty? I–I’m a 1975 fan and a Swiftie. I think they’re cute together, and too, am parasocial.) but I was especially disappointed because it seemed as though Tendler was still invested in their relationship when Mulaney filed.
(But we must note, statements in People magazine are not necessarily the whole truth. They are a PR team’s truth.)
In September of the same year, Mulaney appeared on Late Night with Seth Myers, his first Late Night appearance since leaving rehab. I watched the segment over a bowl of Coco Puffs with my boyfriend.
Ultimately, though he was considered softly “canceled,” I was still curious to hear what this comedian whom I’d admired, had to say. And when he announced, in the wake of speculative dating rumors with Oliva Munn, that he was expecting a baby with her, both my boyfriend and I abandoned our bowls of sugary cereal, letting them fall soggy in their oat milk lakes.
Reputable sources can’t seem to peg down a decisive timeline of Mulaney’s 2020-2021 season, but Reddit users were quick to assemble a chain of events, in an attempt to prove Mulaney’s innocence.
March 2020 - The World Ends
June 2020 - Anna Marie Tendler and John Mulaney buy a home together in rural Connecticut
Oct 2020 - ALLEGED Breakup Rumours spiral.
Dec 17, 2020 - Tendler deactivates Instagram
Dec 18, 2020 - A coalition of Mulaney’s friends holds an intervention for his addiction to cocaine, Adderall, Xanax, Klonopin, and Percocet.
Dec 21, 2020 - News of his admittance to a rehab facility breaks
Jan 6, 2021 - An insurrection against the U.S. Capitol, which Mulaney swears, wouldn’t have happened on his watch.
May 2021 - Official Breakup between Tendler and Mulaney
July 24, 2021 - Mulaney filed for divorce from Tendler.
Sep 7th, 2021 - Mulaney appears on Late Night with Seth Myers, announcing his relationship, and impending child with Olivia Munn.
Sep 8th, 2021 - Twitter goes ablaze with this confirmation, citing specials where Mulaney declared disinterest in parenthood, and Munn’s memoir in which she made some jaw-droppingly fatphobic comments. (oh, and she might be a serial homewrecker?)
Nov 24th, 2021 - Malcolm Hiệp Mulaney is born. Mulaney wishes him a Happy Birthday on January 24th, 2021…that’s not how it works, John! (November 24th is my ex’s birthday, awkward!)
January 7th, 2021 - Mulaney and Tendler’s divorce is finalized.
We will never be sure of the timeline, because it is private. People do not live within the neat Instagramable timelines like we want them to. So, how were we to clap him on the back, and smoke cigars with the new father? How were we supposed to coo over the adorably, perfectly chubby-faced baby of a homewrecker!? This was not black-and-white moral behavior! What were we, as fans, to feel!?
Most chose to admonish him for his obvious human behavior and reckless decision-making. They did so through thinly-veiled “I just hope John has a support system” and “You’re not supposed to make huge life-altering decisions right out of rehab!”
Then he announced a tour. And murmurs of well-wishes and hushed excitement came forward. Some friends of mine saw the show, back when it was “From Scratch.”
A friend saw his Philadelphia show, reporting that he seemed tired, and rundown, he kept asking the audience to buy t-shirts…he was broke.
Tendler, now labeled ‘hix ex-wife’ posted an art piece, her belly the main subject, an IVF needle placed just above her hip. Her caption: “Eggs, Over Easy.”
He continued on tour, and we all tried to forget. He hosted SNL again, we tried to smile at the jokes. Now, he comes out with this special, and we all look to it with raised eyebrows and substack-think pieces. (Heyyo)
I want to define the “wife guy,” for a moment if you should allow it. By my definition:
A Wife Guy, n. A person, most typically male-identifying, who builds social status, and even sometimes a career, from the mere concept that he is kind to, and borderline obsessed with his wife.
Regrettably, they’ve stolen our hearts. The likes of John Mulaney, Adam Levine, and Ned Fulmer, these men, if they didn’t have it before, built their livelihoods off the reputation of adoring their wives, completely. And all three of those examples listed above were involved in some sort of infidelity scandal within the last year.
Levine went viral in 2013 for loudly cheering for and blowing a kiss to his then-fiance, Behati Prinsloo during her Victoria's Secret walk. Where his music lacked originality, suburban millennial moms grasped onto his six-pack abs and apparent adoration for his wife. The pair were married in 2014.
He was ousted in 2022 as having messaged fans and aspiring models for sexual favors. Most noteworthy of his indiscretions having been a comment made in response to a selfie from a young woman lamenting, “That body of yours is absurd.” Automatic meme fader.
He and his wife, Behati Prinsloo have not sought divorce. She welcomed their third child into the world in January 2023.
Ned Fulmer was one of four of the Try Guys, who changed the Youtube scene permanently after separating their brand from Buzzfeed in 2018. They were the first of many to leave the millennial media mogul, and their creativity and general adorableness were something to be adored by teenage girls. Every “guy,” or member of the ensemble, was made to have a defining characteristic, Eugene was an artist, Zach was an affable nerd, Keith loved fried chicken, and Ned, loved his wife. Their video, “We Had A Baby,” garnered 4.2 million views. Fulmer regularly made content with his wife, and subsequently, with their two children. He was awarded a Target sponsorship and co-authored a Date Night Cook Book, with his wife, Ariel.
Despite his entire reputation being built around being the “Wife Guy,” Fulmer was exposed in September 2022, having been seen out to a Harry Styles concert, and then kanoodling with his employee at a West Village night club. The fact that a 2014-era social media star thought he could cheat on his wife of ten years in the Village!? NYU central?!!
Both he and the employee were fired from the company. He and his wife posted shared statements on the day the news broke, they haven’t posted since.
And then Mulaney.
So, in light of these examples, maybe it’s best to define “Wife Guy,” as the following:
Wife Guy, n. Most typically, a male-identifying person who capitalizes on fourth-wave feminism by publicly complimenting his wife in order to boost his own career, but in private acts just like any other man. Like a total, fucking, jackass.
Perhaps, it’s best we turn away from these seemingly lying, morally corrupted scoundrels, and instead invest our time and energy in another breed of man. The man I postulate to be, the Anti-Wife Guy.
The Anti-Wife Guy, n. A male-identifying person who seemingly, jokingly despises his wife, painting her to be his mortal enemy, when in actuality he’d slay a metaphorical dragon for her.
